“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.”
We can see forgiveness as a practice, one that embodies our inherent freedom, joy and wellbeing, and as a method of being proactive, responsible, and courageous truth-tellers. We are all human. We have all been hurt and have hurt others. We all carry something in us that we hide from the world and sometimes refuse to admit to ourselves.
With forgiveness we are not trying to forget, to deny or bypass any part of our experience. We are acknowledging our experience of rage and resentment of others and our self loathing of ourselves. We feel, see and acknowledge that barriers to love and self-acceptance can cling in us like velcro.
When we forgive someone we are not doing them a favor. We are releasing ourselves from the negativity they have come to represent in us. When we are kind to ourselves and forgive, we release ourselves from the grip of the past and the risk of repeating it.
Negativity can occupy our head and heart spaces, can remain in us until released and blessed. What has this situation taught me about myself? About others? Forgiveness can be seen as a declaration that we are ready to be defined by more than hurt and the past, whether distant or immediate. It is a way of blessing the pain and moving on. Forgiveness is a way of changing our perceptions, adjusting our actions to embrace the present and future with what we most truly desire. It can shift our experience, renew our energy, bring joy into the world.
Forgiveness of self can begin with a present sense of shame, ache or a memory that feels like a plague on our souls. Accept, feel, sense it. Then compare your present sense of self to your sense of who you could be. Know the truth of your being: you are prized and loved by all of creation.
Forgiveness of others can begin with the felt sense that we are being gentle with ourselves and doing good for all creation, not that you are doing a favor for someone who may have hurt you.
A selection of practices and ideas to ponder:
Seven Steps
Select a bitter sorrow, a serious grievance, or a punishing charge against yourself or another. Recall the details.
Hold the image and felt sense of whatever is to be forgiven: yourself, another person, a past event. And say: “I release you from the grip of my sadness, disappointment and/or condemnation.” Concentrate quietly on the intention of release, unhooking and surrender.
Imagine for some moments what your life will feel like without the sorrow or grievance that has haunted you.
Link your inner work to your personal relationships by talking with someone who has hurt you. Maybe tell or write to a friend about your forgiveness (or self-forgiveness).
Ask for life’s help in overcoming fear or resistance at every step. Help is always given. Grace abounds.
Have patience. Forgiveness follows its own order and timing. Whether you think you have accomplished something is less important than invoking the power of forgiveness.
Repeat the process as often as needed–for a lifetime.
A Meditation
Visualize a person you feel has harmed you or caused you pain.
Notice that person in detail, including signs of their own woundedness.
See a series of honored persons (saints, holy folk, VIPs). Approach one and offer gifts that are gladly received. Feel the celebration of the gifts or a physical embrace.
As you see yourself giving gifts, say, “I forgive you and release you from the grip of my pain/ hurt,” or whichever emotions and feelings you can name.”
To forgive yourself, change the image. You are the one receiving the gifts and embraces. Approach yourself and say, “You are forgiven and free” or “Harmony on you.”
Working with Four Bridges
Bridges connect us visually and bodily to movement and change. They connect us symbolically to the sense of going through barriers without being swept away. These four bridges are an invitation to move physically, emotionally and soulfully through hurt, anger and fear towards forgiveness, gratitude and love.
Begin with the idea that you are being true to yourself and serving all of creation, not that you are doing a favor for someone who has hurt or angered you.
The orientation is a shift away from feelings and thinking that can imprison us, a step towards a felt sense of freedom and living fully.
While you may not be able to cross every bridge right away, celebrate every step. Some bridges may take more time than others. But as you sense the energy of forgiveness, you will begin to feel differently about yourself and the world.
Crossing bridges of forgiveness may feel slow. Most of us will cross and re-cross them many times. Any movement, no matter how much or how little, is life giving. Practice crossings with deep intentions of service. Practice while lying down, standing, sitting, walking, running, dancing, jumping from a step, floating in water.
BRIDGE 1: FROM OUTWARD TO INWARD
Going From
My experience
is
determined by circumstances and others.
My beliefs judge all situations and people.
Towards
An inner awareness of oneness,
that all life is connected,
that experience is energy in motion,
an expression of the divine itself,
the ground of my being.
BRIDGE 2: FROM GAMING TO DANCING
Going From
“Survival of the Fittest”
is
the name of the game.
Life is
a win/lose deal for the most part,
hurt or be hurt.
I’m on my own to get what I can.
Towards
Life is danced.
It’s played
by giving and receiving love;
by insisting on the value of every human being
and affirming the unity of all life.
We’re in this together.
BRIDGE 3: FROM PASSIVE VICTIM TO ENGAGED COMPASSION
Going From
I tell stories where other people are responsible for my happiness.
They are wrong,
I am a victim.
I blame and judge
Towards
I ask the hurt parts, both in myself and others:
“How can I serve you?”
I feel into good things that have happened
and drop feelings of victimhood and ill will.
I hold gratitude and compassion.
BRIDGE 4: FROM CONTROL TO SURRENDER
Going From
I have to control everything or I lose.
People victimize me.
This world is unsafe and life
is fearsome.
Towards
I choose to let go—to step into trusting life.
Into trusting all of creation.
I remember that
I am spiritually cared for
and loved unconditionally by creation.
I extend unconditional love to others.
Ideas To Ponder
"All major religious traditions carry basically the same message; that is love, compassion and forgiveness. The important thing is that they should be part of our daily lives."
Dalai Lama
"When a deep injury is done to us, we never heal until we forgive."
Nelson Mandela
"If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive."
Mother Teresa
"Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation."
Roberto Assagioli
"To understand somebody else as a human being, I think, is about as close to real forgiveness as one can get."
David Small
"Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude."
Martin Luther King Jr.
"Always forgive, but never forget, else you will be a prisoner of your own hatred, and doomed to repeat your mistakes forever."
Wil Zeus
"There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love."
B.H. McGill
"Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting."
William Arthur Ward
"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it."
Mark Twain
"It is easier to forgive an enemy than a friend."
William Blake
"The acceptance of oneself is the essence of. . . life. That I feed the hungry, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ - all these are undoubtedly great virtues….But what if I should discover that the least among them all, the poorest of all the beggars, the most impudent of all the offenders, the very enemy himself - that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness - that I myself am the enemy who must be loved - what then? As a rule, the Christian's attitude is then reversed; there is no longer any question of love or long-suffering; we say to the brother within us "Raca," and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide it from the world; we refuse to admit ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves."
Carl Jung
"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart… forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits."
Hannah More